Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i love accidental penises.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
