sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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