I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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