so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
