ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
