so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He better not be in your backpack
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
