I want to have your abortion
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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