i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
