Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
