Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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