I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Enjoy the penises
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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