its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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