I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
