if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
