There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
