Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
