her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
