My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
