im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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