absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
