I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
