Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
