I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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