Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
