I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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