he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
