Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
