corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
