I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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