i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
