My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
