Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
