I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
