I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
