We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
