Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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