Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
