I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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