How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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