I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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