my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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