dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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