It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
