The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
