she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
being pregnant is like rehab
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
