He kissed a someone with a penis
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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