my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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