I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She needs sedatives and a leash
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Come on in and take your pants off
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