Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
