Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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