I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
