the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
