So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
be right there i have to get my cape
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
