9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
